Thursday, October 13, 2005

DeWine says Primary Elections Wasteful, Needless

Washington, D.C. - In a surprise press conference on the Capitol Hill steps this morning, Ohio Senator Mike DeWine announced that he would introduce legistlation into the Senate "within days" that is designed to cancel primary elections across the nation.

"We believe that primary elections are wasteful of taxpayer money and are therefore needless," said the incumbent Senator from Ohio. "Most Americans don't vote in the primaries anyway - they view them as nothing more than an irritating distraction from family life and quality time with their children. It is in the spirit of protecting American family life that I will introduce the Primary Eradication-Competition Killer and Election Reform Act, otherwise known as the PECKER Act."

When asked if he would have the support of his colleagues in the Senate, DeWine stated emphatically that he wasn't aware of a single Senator, Republican or Democrat, who believed that primary elections were healthy for the country.

"While I support healthy competition, I think most Americans will agree with me that these vitriolic and hotly contested elections are completely unhealthy. Those who believe that "all competition is healthy" need to walk a mile in the shoes of a sitting US Senator or Representative. From our perspective, such competitions do little except force state governments to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to print ballots and staff precincts. Just ask Jean Schmidt. Why should she be forced to defend her seat in the Second District? Didn't she already prove that she was the strongest choice when she trounced Paul Hackett? Doesn't that entitle her to a free ride?"

Schmidt's DC office was contacted and provided the following written statement:

I support my Ohio Delegation Colleague in his quest to save hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxpayer money. Money that could be used to help our wonderful governor, Bob Taft, in his quest to get Ohio's budget out of the red ink.

As a young girl growing up on my Ohio farm, wearing Osh-Kosh B'Gosh Coveralls as I churned corn into ethanol, I used to dream of the day where American families could sit in front of their laptop computers and purchase lottery tickets online rather than be bothered with the poisonous rhetoric of a bitterly contested primary election. Now, thanks to my lobbying efforts with Governor Taft to legalize statewide internet lotteries and gambling, as well as Senator DeWine's PECKER Act, my ethanol-soaked dream can finally be a reality.


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