Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Schmidt and Taft Tout Plan to End Hunger by 2009

In a joint press conference, Jean Schmidt and Governor Bob Taft announced a bold plan to end hunger in America by using the latest in logistical technology to eliminate waste in the food chain.

In a dramatic press conference, the temporarily-elected Schmidt and the detested Taft unveiled a bold plan to boost their sagging popularity by harnessing the power of conveyor-belt technology to deliver unwanted food items to hungry people. Schmidt and Taft stated that this was something that had been in the works for some time, long before either politician had the opportunity to inject federal dollars into the project.

After ingesting a 4-way at Skyline, Hank Newcomb places a leftover cheese coney on a prototype conveyor belt, to be whisked away to hungry children in Over-the-Rhine

“This concept is something we can do right now, using modern, ethanol-powered conveyor-belt technology,” Schmidt said. “And while I know the cost would be very high, my long-time friend, Bob Taft, has promised to match every federal dollar allocated to this project using funds from Ohio’s soon to be passed “Job’s For Ohio” bill! I urge all Ohioans to vote YES on Issue 1 on November 8th so that we can begin construction on this conveyor project immediately.”

Some experts doubt the plan will work. The general idea is similar to the Internet, except it uses conveyor belts to deliver food, while the internet uses communication lines to deliver data.

Schmidt wants to build a giant, snaking conveyor-belt network throughout Ohio, and eventually the entire country. The giant conveyor would be powered by ethanol, and would wind it’s way through restaurant dining rooms, down city streets, and eventually wind up in back alleys where the homeless and poor people tend to congregate.

Instead of discarding unwanted food items, like refried beans, broccoli, or that extra cheese coney they can’t finish, patrons of local restaurants would place the unwanted food items on the conveyor, which would deliver them down the line to people who would want to eat the items.

State Representative Tom Brinkman immediately denounced the plan as a wasteful boondoggle. Long a champion of fiscal responsibility in government, Brinkman was quick to point out potential problems.

“This plan is ridiculous. Jean Schmidt and Bob Taft are idiots. There are so many problems with this concept I don’t know where to start. The costs alone are going to be staggering. Schmidt’s press release said she wanted to budget $780 million, with half coming from Ohio. And that’s just for conveyor networks in Cincinnati, Cleveland and Columbus. What about Toledo? How will we pay for conveyors to Portsmouth? And what about spoilage? It’s just a giant waste of money.”

An artists rendering showing the conveyor network running past the US Bank Arena in downtown Cincinnati

Surprisingly, a spokesman for End Hunger Now!, a liberal advocacy group for the homeless, came out against the Schmidt-Taft Conveyor Project.

“As usual, the homeless and needy are always LAST in line,” said Nathan Hirsch, Director of Policy Research at End Hunger Now. “This project, as currently designed, allows the winners of life’s lottery first choice at the best food on the conveyor network. What is to stop a wealthy obese person from plucking a piece of cheesecake from the conveyor network, long before it reaches the back alleys of Ohio’s inner cities?”

Hirsch said he would support the plan if it was redesigned with direct-route conveyors that ran from every restaurant directly to the neediest neighborhoods, rather than a looping system that would be more circular.

Schmidt immediately denounced the counterproposal.

“Nathan Hirsch’s proposal would quadruple the cost of this project, needlessly delaying food to Ohio’s hungry children. I ask that you join me in supporting this bold initiative, and I assure you that Governor Taft and I will carefully shepherd the funds allocated to this important and necessary project.”

Voters remain unconvinced. In a recent poll, only 48% of Ohioans were in favor of ending hunger using an ethanol-powered conveyor system, while 15% believed hunger builds character and should be left alone.


Anonymous Tom Brinkman said...

Hunger builds character. Definitely.

October 26, 2005  
Anonymous Tim Rudd said...

Come on, you really expect me to believe this? This has to be fake.

October 26, 2005  
Blogger Patrick said...

Sadly, this is not a joke. This really happened.

October 26, 2005  
Anonymous netXpert said...

jim shifferin is behind this blog... i have proof - it's the whistleblower doing double duty.

checked the IP addresses and they match up.

October 26, 2005  
Blogger Patrick said...

You caught me.

October 26, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the mockingbird is an idiot.

jean schmidt is smoking hot though.

October 27, 2005  

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