The Mockingbird

So I guess Tom Brinkman was right after all.

2006-03-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, Tom Brinkman called Jean Schmidt a "pathological liar."

Many people thought Tom was just being his usual, not-so-bashful self. But with the S.S. Schmidt running full-speed into iceberg after iceberg, it's beginning to look as though Jean Schmidt is at least one or more of the following:

1) Pathological Liar
2) Hopelessly Inept

Either way, it's becoming obvious that she isn't exactly "Congressional Material."

And now, another edition of YOU DON'T KNOW SCHMIDT

Allen Freeman, Political Genius

2006-02-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

The Mockingbird has sponsored a Haiku Contest in honor of our Congresswoman. Here are just a few entries. Feel free to submit your own in our comments section.

Standing in the well
Brain failure, mouth gaping wide
Seventies Gymnast

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Every time she speaks
Portman's legacy trampled
Save us McEwen

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

And now, a limmerick:

There once was a girl from Clermont
Who could buy anything she did want
But she bought a red dress
Oh! What a mess.
Quick! To Iraq, she did jaunt.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Got a better one? Submit it in the comments section.

Schmidt votes to pass law criminalizing The Mockingbird

2006-01-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

The Mockingbird blog recieved word today that we must either disclose the identity of those who publish here, or cease and desist from all future blog entries that are posted anonymously.

Jean Schmidt voted to pass a law, HR 3402 which provides criminal penalties of up to two years in prison for posting anonymous messages on the internet with the intent to annoy.

The Mockingbird freely admits that all posts published here are:

1) anonymous
and
2) annoying to some.

Thus, it is clear that The Mockingbird Blog would be in violation of the law were we to post any new messages that are both annoying and anonymous. In the case of this particular anonymous post, my attorney assures me that we can use the defense that the primary purpose of this post was educational rather than annoyance.

Surely the Supreme Court will strike this law down in short order. But until they do, I'm going to toe the line. No more blog entries from the Mockingbird depicting Jean Schmidt as the lying, corrupt, self-serving RINO she is.

No more except this one, last little entry...

Schmidt's "Liberal Image Enhancement Service"

2005-12-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

Batavia, OH - Are you an obscure, unknown, or hopelessly insignificant liberal politician? Do you know someone who is? If so, you need the Jean Schmidt "Liberal Image Enhancement Service" (L.I.E.S).

What is L.I.E.S.? Simply put, Jean Schmidt's L.I.E.S. program is a new offering from the woman herself, and she guarantees that her "clients" will go from relative obscurity to nationally known liberal hero in less time than it takes to destroy Rob Portman's conservative legacy.

Notable beneficiaries of Jean Schmidt's L.I.E.S. are Democratic Senate Candidate Paul Hackett, Congressman and War Hero John Murtha, and even Republican Marine Colonel Danny Bubp.

"You don't have to be a liberal to feel the impact of Jean's L.I.E.S. program," said Marine Colonel Danny Bubp. "The service works fast too! One afternoon, I picked up the phone and called Jean. Later that same night, my phone was ringing off the hook! Jean's L.I.E.S. really work."

Click to enlarge image.

Another client, Paul Hackett, was a wacko liberal trial lawyer without any hope of political success before he met Jean Schmidt. Now, he's a hero to liberals across the country, appearing on programs like Hardball with Chris Matthews and the Bill Moyer show on HBO.

"Before I met Jean, I was an unknown trial lawyer. Thanks to Jean's L.I.E.S. program, I'm a Marine Corps war hero and a serious player in Ohio politics! I owe my political career to Jean's L.I.E.S."

Yet another liberal, Congressman John Murtha, was an obscure Democrat in the House of Representatives - now, he too is nationally known as a Marine War Hero.

"Without Jean's L.I.E.S. I'd still be twiddling my thumbs as an insignificant bit player in the House. Now, I'm one of the top Democratic fundraisers and a household name. A bit more of Jean's L.I.E.S. and we Democrats might retake the House AND Senate. I could be majority whip, and I'll owe it all to Jean's L.I.E.S.!"

Save the Second District!

2005-12-08T18:53:00.000-08:00

By now, you've surely heard about the original plans to put anti-Schmidt billboards in Portsmouth. The latest is that they will spend a considerable fortune attacking our precious district, but why? The Mockingbird, being an astute political observer, offers the following analysis:

Why would the Democratic Party waste more than a quarter of a million dollars on a billboard attacking a ~~conservative~~, er, Republican candidate in the heart of the most Republican Congressional District in the nation?

ANSWER:
Because the Democrats smell blood.

And they know there is a great white shark lurking in the 2nd District waters, gobbling up campaign contributions, waiting to strike. And strike he will - on or before February 16th.

His name is Paul Hackett, and he smells blood.

You heard it here first.

So, my fellow Republicans, it's time we band together to keep the 2nd District in conservative hands! Print this sign below and display it proudly to show your true Conservative Pride and Solidarity!

We must act NOW to save our district!

All you need to know...

2005-11-28T19:07:00.000-08:00

Click this link to see the precise problem with Jean Schmidt.

Harriet Miers vs. Jean Schmidt

2005-11-21T20:27:00.000-08:00

Who can embarrass conservatives more?

The Speaker Speaks

2005-11-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

Denny has to be wondering what the heck we were thinking last June.

Distribute Freely

2005-11-21T20:11:00.000-08:00

As always, the artwork at The Mockingbird may be distributed freely without fear of any retribution from the Mockingbird. However, no representation or guarantee of safety can be made with regard to Jean Schmdidt's Goon Squad.

File this one under "Low-Hanging Fruit"

2005-11-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

OK, I know some of you are going to read this and say, "What's with The Mockingbird hacking on Jean Schmidt all the time?"

The answer is, well... she's low-hanging fruit. An easy target. And since I don't dedicate 18 hours per day "blogging" about sleep-inducing minutiae like that nutjob Tom Blumer over at Bizzyblog, we partisan political hacks have to make certain that we get maximum return on investment (ROI). That said, Jean Schmidt and her leather-clad whipping-boy campaign manager both make for an easy target that offers maximum pay-off with minimal investment.

So, now that you understand my motivation, I give you, without further adieu, a half-hearted attempt at humor. And even if you think it's rude, you gotta admit that it's still pretty funny...

"Do-Overs" Are OK With the GOP

2005-10-31T08:10:00.000-08:00

The nomination and subsequent withdrawal of Harriet Miers has shown that's OK for Conservatives to admit that "we made a mistake," as long as we are willing to fix that mistake.

The Second Congressional District is no different. The Mockingbird looks forward to a bitter, vicious primary campaign between "The Harriet Miers of the Second District" and whoever her challenger may be.

Please, Oh God, let there be a challenger. I'll settle for David R. Smith and his yarmulke if I have to. But Brinkman or McEwen would be so much more exciting.

____________________________________
Disclosure: Comics are adapted from "The Joy of Tech" series. Unlike the Dean of Corn, I actually fear them suing me for ripping them off.

Secret Meeting in Batavia

2005-10-28T07:25:00.000-07:00

The Mockingbird has learned that Joe "Dean of Corn" Braun, campaign manager for temporarily-elected Jean Schmidt, has filed a lawsuit against Whistleblower publisher Charles Foster Kane for defamation of character stemming from the Blower's malicious reference to the Dean's alleged scandalous sexual escapades on the internet.

The Mockingbird can now report that Mr. Kane has hired reknowned attorney Chris Finney to defend him.

We now go live to a secret meeting at the Schmidt campaign headquarters in Batavia...

click on comic to view high-resolution version of the "Dean of Corn's" tender nipples

Schmidt and Taft Tout Plan to End Hunger by 2009

2005-10-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

In a joint press conference, Jean Schmidt and Governor Bob Taft announced a bold plan to end hunger in America by using the latest in logistical technology to eliminate waste in the food chain.

In a dramatic press conference, the temporarily-elected Schmidt and the detested Taft unveiled a bold plan to boost their sagging popularity by harnessing the power of conveyor-belt technology to deliver unwanted food items to hungry people. Schmidt and Taft stated that this was something that had been in the works for some time, long before either politician had the opportunity to inject federal dollars into the project.

After ingesting a 4-way at Skyline, Hank Newcomb places a leftover cheese coney on a prototype conveyor belt, to be whisked away to hungry children in Over-the-Rhine

“This concept is something we can do right now, using modern, ethanol-powered conveyor-belt technology,” Schmidt said. “And while I know the cost would be very high, my long-time friend, Bob Taft, has promised to match every federal dollar allocated to this project using funds from Ohio’s soon to be passed “Job’s For Ohio” bill! I urge all Ohioans to vote YES on Issue 1 on November 8th so that we can begin construction on this conveyor project immediately.”

Some experts doubt the plan will work. The general idea is similar to the Internet, except it uses conveyor belts to deliver food, while the internet uses communication lines to deliver data.

Schmidt wants to build a giant, snaking conveyor-belt network throughout Ohio, and eventually the entire country. The giant conveyor would be powered by ethanol, and would wind it’s way through restaurant dining rooms, down city streets, and eventually wind up in back alleys where the homeless and poor people tend to congregate.

Instead of discarding unwanted food items, like refried beans, broccoli, or that extra cheese coney they can’t finish, patrons of local restaurants would place the unwanted food items on the conveyor, which would deliver them down the line to people who would want to eat the items.

State Representative Tom Brinkman immediately denounced the plan as a wasteful boondoggle. Long a champion of fiscal responsibility in government, Brinkman was quick to point out potential problems.

“This plan is ridiculous. Jean Schmidt and Bob Taft are idiots. There are so many problems with this concept I don’t know where to start. The costs alone are going to be staggering. Schmidt’s press release said she wanted to budget $780 million, with half coming from Ohio. And that’s just for conveyor networks in Cincinnati, Cleveland and Columbus. What about Toledo? How will we pay for conveyors to Portsmouth? And what about spoilage? It’s just a giant waste of money.”

An artists rendering showing the conveyor network running past the US Bank Arena in downtown Cincinnati

Surprisingly, a spokesman for End Hunger Now!, a liberal advocacy group for the homeless, came out against the Schmidt-Taft Conveyor Project.

“As usual, the homeless and needy are always LAST in line,” said Nathan Hirsch, Director of Policy Research at End Hunger Now. “This project, as currently designed, allows the winners of life’s lottery first choice at the best food on the conveyor network. What is to stop a wealthy obese person from plucking a piece of cheesecake from the conveyor network, long before it reaches the back alleys of Ohio’s inner cities?”

Hirsch said he would support the plan if it was redesigned with direct-route conveyors that ran from every restaurant directly to the neediest neighborhoods, rather than a looping system that would be more circular.

Schmidt immediately denounced the counterproposal.

“Nathan Hirsch’s proposal would quadruple the cost of this project, needlessly delaying food to Ohio’s hungry children. I ask that you join me in supporting this bold initiative, and I assure you that Governor Taft and I will carefully shepherd the funds allocated to this important and necessary project.”

Voters remain unconvinced. In a recent poll, only 48% of Ohioans were in favor of ending hunger using an ethanol-powered conveyor system, while 15% believed hunger builds character and should be left alone.

RINO Exhibit 1

2005-10-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

No political news site would be complete without a Comics section. This will be a regular feature of The Mockingbird. Please submit your stories, comics, artwork and illustrations to:

themockingbird@usa.com

And now, we sneak a peek into a meeting at the Cincinnati Zoo. Click the picture to enlarge it for easier reading and to enjoy higher resolution renderings of Jean's wrinkles.

BREAKING NEWS! Ohio GOP Suicide Pact???

2005-10-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

Ah...if only it were true. For the full story behind this Ohio Statehouse photo of the way things ought to be, visit The Onion, which is the inspiration for many of The Mockingbird's stories.

In the meantime, you have my permission to pretend there really was a suicide pact between members of the Ohio GOP.

Dare to dream.

State GOP Official: Shut Up and Sit Down!

2005-10-19T19:15:00.000-07:00

Columbus, OH – In a startling newsletter, state GOP committeeman John Becker made it known that his own views are more in line with that of a communist dictatorship than anything resembling a conservative party that believes strongly in fielding the best candidates our conservative state has to offer.
The New Ohio GOP Logo

“I stand with my fellow corrupt GOP Officials here in Columbus, people like Bob Taft, Larry Householder, and Brett Buerk, when they endorse weak, RINO candidates like Mike DeWine.  To that end, I hope that nobody challenges Jean Schmidt in the primary next spring.”

Becker refused to elaborate on his statement, as is typical of the Columbus GOP mentality these days.

One can only guess that the pressure on the Ohio Republican Party is causing Becker and other GOP officials to seek the easiest solution to their immediate problems rather than investing a little time and effort to fix the problem the right way.

The Second Congressional District should be the flagship of the Ohio GOP.  For within the confines of Warren, Clermont, Hamilton, Pike, Scioto and Adams county reside the most staunchly conservative voters in the entire state – perhaps even the entire country.  Without this rich bastion of support, the Ohio GOP wouldn’t be the party in power right now.

And yet, John Becker is advocating that Second District voters merely accept Jean Schmidt as their representative because she won an 11-way primary by little more than a handful of votes last June.

And you know what?  If Jean Schmidt REALLY IS the best representative for the most conservative district in the state, then I might be inclined to accept what Becker says.

Unfortunately, the special election last spring did not afford voters an ample opportunity to evaluate the candidates in a fair manner.  Consider the following:

The campaign was purposely shortened. Bob Taft purposely set the date as soon as possible after Portman left as a favor to Senator Mike DeWine – all in an effort to help the Columbus GOP ram Patrick DeWine down our throats. You will recall that Pat DeWine was the frontrunner at the time. This shortened campaign did not allow voters to learn much about the other candidates in the race.

The battle was largely portrayed as a two-way race, with Tom Brinkman coming on strong in the last week. Schmidt only popped up on the radar after the Enquirer ran an endorsement of Schmidt.

Many Second District voters liked both McEwen AND Brinkman. Both are staunch conservatives and favorites of the family values voters. While Schmidt is certainly a social conservative (her recent pro-homosexual vote in Congress notwithstanding), she can hardly be called a fiscal conservative. For this reason, many people believe that Brinkman and McEwen peeled votes from each other. Remove either one or the other from this race, and the outcome could have been much different.

Schmidt benefited greatly from running in 4th place throughout the short campaign. Attack ads primarily focused on McEwen, and Brinkman (thanks for nothing, Joe Deters), with DeWine and Schmidt getting only scant attention.

In the end, Schmidt cobbled together a slightly less paltry plurality of votes than McEwen - 31% to 26% – meaning that 69% of second district primary voters didn’t vote for her.  That’s still better than the other candidates, but again, if one factors in the McEwen/Brinkman overlap, it’s easy to see that Schmidt might not be the top choice of all voters in the district in a head to head campaign.

But all this seems to be lost on Becker and the old-school state GOP folks.  They are running scared right now, despite the fact that no significant Democratic challenger has emerged (nor will they stand a chance anyway).

If the Second District faced a difficult Democratic Challenger in the general election, I might even be somewhat sympathetic to Becker’s sentiments.  But in the end, I am a conservative.  And conservatives don’t believe in getting free passes and handouts.  We believe our leaders should EARN their rightful place in elected office by proving they are the best possible candidate for the job.

A head to head primary between Jean Schmidt and either Bob McEwen or Tom Brinkman would give the Second District (and the state GOP) exactly what we need going into the mid-term elections in November – a strong conservative leader who earned the right to go to Washington D.C. by defeating a determined challenger in a head-to-head primary campaign.

Here’s hoping the state GOP folks start acting like real conservatives, and soon.

GOP Special Report: "Jean Schmidt really does stink."

2005-10-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

Columbus Ohio - An advance copy of a report entitled "Post-Election Analysis of the OH-02 Congressional Race" commissioned by Ohio Republican Party Chairman Robert T. Bennett was obtained by The Mockingbird late last night.

The report, some 78 pages in length, attempts to explain why Jean Schmidt fared so poorly in the August 2nd General Election against new Democratic Poster Boy Paul Hackett.  Special GOP investigators scoured election reports and interviewed scores of people, including Schmidt's campaign staff, campaign manager Joe "Dean of Corn" Braun, and a number of Republican activists across the district.

Perhaps most telling, however, was a quote from farmer Timothy Powell, a resident of Brown County and longtime GOP activist:

"Heck.  Jean Schmidt?  She sucks.  She's horrible.  The scarecrow in my tomato garden's got more going for it than that wrinkly-faced sack-a-bones."

To be sure, the GOP investigators didn't stop with Old Man Powell's tobacco-spit-punctuated diatrabe against Schmidt.  But they would have saved a lot of time and effort had they done so.

Among other features of the report was a brief outline of excuses offered by the Schmidt campaign staff:

"Winning the primary really just caught us by surprise, as it did so many of the voters.  We just weren't prepared."
- Joe "Dean of Corn" Braun

"The demands on Jean's time were so great that I couldn't actually do all of Jean's public speaking for her, as I normally do.  And since Jean is SO lousy at it, well, you can just imagine the problems that resulted.  I mean, did you see the debates where Hackett just creamed her?  It was awful, just awful."
- Schmidt's twin sister Jennifer Black

"The Clermont County elections people are obviously in our back pocket.  But we had a very tough time convincing those folks in the eastern counties to stay with us in the general election.  Without people you can count on to stuff the ballots and disqualify the votes of our opponents, it's much tougher.  Those hicks out east, they're such shallow people.  They base their support on how a candidate looks, and so of course Schmidt didn’t do so well out there.  It was near impossible to buy off some of those folks like we do in Corrupt Clermont.”
– Tim Rudd, Clermont County GOP

“I think there is some truth to what Tim is saying.  I mean, I put on my own military costume and stood under the blades of one of those Vietnam-era whirlybird thingies to  show support for Jean.  But apparently those hicks in the eastern counties don’t like the fact that I have the facial features of an emaciated rodent.  They’re so shallow.”
–Danny Bubp

“It took a whole lot of jawin’ from the Schmidt folks before I finally decided to do the right thing – to do my Republican duty and support the winner of the primary.  So I did my part those last two weeks, and I think I figured it out.  The whole campaign was infected with the John Kerry Presidential Campaign Syndrome:  You know you stand a chance to win, as long as the candidate stays in hiding.  But that’s the trouble.  Schmidt kept showing up at campaign events and opening her mouth about ethanol and other crap that real conservatives don’t care about.  I tried to organize an effort to duct-tape her mouth shut and toss her in the trunk of my car, but the ‘Dean of Corn’ wouldn’t have it.”
-Bill Herdmann, former Brown County GOP official

The report also examined the special circumstances surrounding the special election, but dismissed Schmidt’s attempted explanation that “statistics overwhelmingly prove that Democrats go on vacation in July, while Republicans vacation in August.”

The final paragraph of the report is perhaps it’s most scathing.  It is reprinted here, verbatim:

In conclusion, blame for this pathetic showing must be laid squarely at the feet of Jean Schmidt herself.  She is perceived as a moderate willing to compromise core conservative principles.

Her recent congressional vote on the Child Safety Act of 2005 is a perfect illustration of her willingness to compromise core conservative values when it wasn’t necessary.  In that case, she supported the Child Safety Act despite the fact that other RINOs in Congress had tacked on gay rights legislation.  Sadly, Schmidt  could have stood up, said NO and acted like a leader.  Instead, she is all too content to bring up the rear of a Republican Congress which still doesn’t understand that we Republicans WON the election last year.

Schmidt was virtually non-existent in the primary, and only slipped in due to vote splitting by other, similar candidates.  As a result, most conservative voters in the district didn’t know much about her until late-July.  By then, it was all too obvious that she was an ethanol-pushing tool of the Bob Taft-Columbus Republican Party – our party.  And voters in the Second District don’t like RINOs, especially RINO politicians like Jean Schmidt, who really does stink.

The report will not be made available to the general public, because the Ohio GOP prefers to protect weak incumbents rather than fix the problem with legitimate conservative candidates who understand how to act like the majority party in power.

The Schmidt campaign was contacted and provided the following written response:

As a young girl growing up on my farm in Ohio, I spent many hours churning corn into ethanol, and it's very hard work.  Many times, the corn didn't turn to ethanol at all, and my father had to fuel his race car with powdered corn meal instead of ethanol, but he was still out there racing and trying his best.  I believe this report from the Ohio GOP is no different.  I'm like a race car with a fuel tank full of corn meal.  And no matter how underpowered I might be as a candidate, I'm still going to race.  Who knows...maybe if McEwen drops out of the Senate race and challenges me along WITH Tom Brinkman, the two will split the vote once more!

DeWine says Primary Elections Wasteful, Needless

2005-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

Washington, D.C. - In a surprise press conference on the Capitol Hill steps this morning, Ohio Senator Mike DeWine announced that he would introduce legistlation into the Senate "within days" that is designed to cancel primary elections across the nation.

"We believe that primary elections are wasteful of taxpayer money and are therefore needless," said the incumbent Senator from Ohio. "Most Americans don't vote in the primaries anyway - they view them as nothing more than an irritating distraction from family life and quality time with their children. It is in the spirit of protecting American family life that I will introduce the Primary Eradication-Competition Killer and Election Reform Act, otherwise known as the PECKER Act."

When asked if he would have the support of his colleagues in the Senate, DeWine stated emphatically that he wasn't aware of a single Senator, Republican or Democrat, who believed that primary elections were healthy for the country.

"While I support healthy competition, I think most Americans will agree with me that these vitriolic and hotly contested elections are completely unhealthy. Those who believe that "all competition is healthy" need to walk a mile in the shoes of a sitting US Senator or Representative. From our perspective, such competitions do little except force state governments to spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to print ballots and staff precincts. Just ask Jean Schmidt. Why should she be forced to defend her seat in the Second District? Didn't she already prove that she was the strongest choice when she trounced Paul Hackett? Doesn't that entitle her to a free ride?"

Schmidt's DC office was contacted and provided the following written statement:

I support my Ohio Delegation Colleague in his quest to save hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxpayer money. Money that could be used to help our wonderful governor, Bob Taft, in his quest to get Ohio's budget out of the red ink.

As a young girl growing up on my Ohio farm, wearing Osh-Kosh B'Gosh Coveralls as I churned corn into ethanol, I used to dream of the day where American families could sit in front of their laptop computers and purchase lottery tickets online rather than be bothered with the poisonous rhetoric of a bitterly contested primary election. Now, thanks to my lobbying efforts with Governor Taft to legalize statewide internet lotteries and gambling, as well as Senator DeWine's PECKER Act, my ethanol-soaked dream can finally be a reality.

Mean Jean 2006 Primary Poster Contest Winner

2005-08-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

The Mockingbird is pleased to reveal the Jean Schmidt 2006 Primary Campaign Poster and Slogan Contest. The entries were plentiful, vulgar, and in some cases, downright pornographic.

Imagine the filth that invaded my mail server after I decided to sponsor a contest involving a scandal-plagued female politician who just happens to have the "DEAN OF CORN" as her campaign manager...

Those who don't know who the Dean of Corn is, you'll need to do some reseach into Joe Braun and persistent rumors of his status as one of the internet's most prolific "Dungeon Masters." And I'm not talking about Dungeons and Dragons, the ultimate geek role playing game. Sadly, I'm talking about dungeons and whips, hot candle wax, spanking, Richard Gere-style rodent insertion, sex slaves, and other such forms of adult depravity.

So, yes, I think the FBI is now investigating whether or not the Mockingbird is really just a front for some sexually perverted website. It's not - though it might be hard for Special Agent Lawrence to determine given the winning entry for the campaign poster contest.

So, without further adieu, I give you the Official Winner of The Mockingbird's Jean Schmidt 2006 GOP Primary Campaign Poster and Slogan Contest...

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Submitted by Tim Rudd, Clermont County GOP

So, Mr. Rudd has won the privelege of being the Honorary Mockingbird Publisher for a Day. We look forward to Mr. Rudd's entry in the coming days.

Mean Jean Campaign Poster and Slogan Contest

2005-08-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

The Mockingbird is sponsoring a new photoshop contest to find the very best entries in the following categories:

1) Jean Schmidt 2006 GOP Primary Campaign Slogan

2) Jean Schmidt for Congress Primary Campaign Poster.

All entries for the poster contest must use the same basic background, provided here:

If anonymity is desired, you may indicate as much on your email. I am not like Matt Cooper at Time. I will not reveal your identity under any circumstances. Winning or note-worthy entries will be posted as they are receieved.

The winners will win the opportunity to be a guest-blogger on The Mockingbird.

Special Guest: BizzyBlog Author Tom Blumer!

2005-08-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Greetings Mockingbird Fans. It is I, Tom Blumer, publisher of Bizzyblog, one of the most voluminous blogs on the internet ever to cover the Second Congressional District Race, and arguably one of the most venomous. But most of all, my blog is completely unfunny in any way. At least not as funny as The Mockingbird. I don't even have hilarious pictures for the amusement of my readers. Witnesseth The Mockingbird's rendition of my own portrait:

Nope. Instead of hilarious comedy and outrageous political parody, I have chosen to fill my blog with excruciating minutiae and trivial information, then mix it with poisonous bile guaranteed to put you in a very, very bad mood - that is, if you can get through more than a paragraph or two of my excruciating research before your forehead slams into the keyboard from sudden sleep syndrome. Are you napping, or do you have narcolepsy? Who can say for sure when you read Bizzy Blog?

I want to accomplish three things during my stint as "Guest Host" of the Mockingbird today:

1) Discuss my analysis of the 2006 GOP Primary Campaign
2) Discuss my venomous hatred of certain candidates in southwestern Ohio
3) Discuss why I'm typing this blog entry with one hand

So without further delay, I present my case:

My Take on the 2006 GOP Primary

First and foremost, Jean Schmidt is going to get challenged. That much everyone knows already. The question is, who will it be?

Threat = Tom Brinkman

I mentioned yesterday in my boring blog that that I felt Tom Brinkman could have beaten Paul Hackett. Why? I don't really know. I just said that because I had already typed up sixteen pages of snooze-worthy blog material and I was growing weary after another 14-hour computer marathon in front of the keyboard I love like a wife. Truthfully, Brinkman has more appeal than Schmidt, and his message, if not his delivery, resonates with folks across the district. But will he risk his current office to challenge Jean? Only if McEwen decides to let Jean pass GO and collect $200. Which brings me to...

Threat = Bob McEwen

It's no secret that I hate Bob McEwen with a passion. Why? I don't know. I just do. Perhaps it's because I hate anyone that the liberals could cast as a "Jesus Freak." I took Bob to task during the primary, criticizing him for everything from trying to earn a living all the way down to the fact that his socks didn't match during one of the debates.

Speaking of earning a living, I can't stand the fact that somebody could actually be so good at something that he could charge people ten thousand bucks a pop just to talk to them. So I was really scared I would get a bill when Bob actually contacted me during the campaign to answer some of my charges against him. But even though he responded to my direct challenge, I still chose to criticize him because:

1) McEwen actually made MONEY over the past 12 years! OH MY! THIS IS A HEINOUS CRIME!!!

2) McEwen spoke to people from other countries! And he even tried to help them! HOLY CRAP! THIS GUY IS A SCUMBAG!

3) McEwen still has contacts in Washington D.C.! This is an outrage of the highest proportions. I will not stand for this sort of corruption.

So, while McEwen is certainly a threat to Jean, I am confident that voters in the district will listen to me when I tell them that McEwen = Hitler.

Threat Level = Eric Minamyer

Mr. Minamyer is by far the crowd favorite. Anyone crazy enough to air campaign commercials that look like al Qaeda hostage videos gets my vote. Why? Because Eric Minamyer is an Angry White Male. Just like me. He even cursed and swore during the debates, and I admire that in a politician - which is why I think Eric and Jean get along so well. Will he run against Mean Jean? I hope not. Because even though I'm a guy who supposedly knows a lot about business (according to my boring blog), I just don't believe in competition. I think we should just settle for a candidate who sucks so badly that she almost LOST the safest GOP district in the country. Yes, and just to poo-poo any idea that I have any business acumen at all, I say we as Republicans should treat Jean Schmidt just like we treated bankrupt and hopelessly doomed United Airlines - by subsidizing the Jean Schmidt campaign and helping her limp through the 2006 general election against a man who will likely have the entire liberal country behind him come next fall. No, we shouldn't try and find the "best" candidate, we should just prop up a lame one - that's what conservativism is all about, right? Huh? Oh shutup.

Why Am I Typing With Just One Hand?

Well this one is easy to explain. I was so busy over the past 48 hours patting myself on the back for putting Jean Schmidt in office that I injured my left arm, forcing me to do everything right-handed - from typing 18 hours a day to picking my nose and even "me time" when I'm alone, I've been forced to be a one-armed bandit since late last night.

So there you have it. Thanks again to the Mockingbird for the additional exposure, even though it's unlikely that anyone will actually read more than three sentences of my boring web site, every little bit helps my ego (which is very large). After all, it take a giant ego to believe that anyone would want to read the mounds of bile I manage to spew out every day.

So long, folks. Thanks for staying awake this long.
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Editors note: The opinions expressed by Tom Blumer are not necessarily those of The Mockingbird. The Mockingbird is not responsible for any sleep inducement or narcoleptic disorders that may result from attempting to read Bizzyblog. The Mockingbird understands that Bizzyblog will likely attempt to rip me a new one because Bizzyblog doesn't understand the concept of humor or parody. The Mockingbird thinks Bizzyblog has a corn-cob up his butt and should remove it at once.

Schmidt can barely Hackett

2005-08-03T12:23:00.000-07:00

**MOCKINGBIRD EXCLUSIVE INSIDER REPORT**

The following account is provided by a confidential source deep within the Jean Schmidt campaign:

Having just left the Eastgate Holiday Inn after tonight's humiliating "victory" over uber-liberal Paul Hackett, I am finally able to transmit this highly sensitive and secretive report to the publisher of The Mockingbird.

The past several days have been quite busy, as anyone can imagine. Managing phone banks, helping set up campaign rallies, and coordinating media events is not easy work, especially when the conservative base just isn't all that excited about the candidate. And let's be honest. There isn't ANY other district in the country where Jean Schmidt could have beaten Paul Hackett. She won this election for one reason and one reason only - there are just barely enough people here that hate liberalism enough that they went to the polls and held their nose long enough to vote for the "conservative" candidate.

To be fair, Mean Jean takes the appropriate stance on the social issues - at least insofar as it will get her the votes she needs. I am convinced she really is pro-life, but I'm certainly not convinced she can do much to advance the cause except regurgitate the ideas that other candidates are able to articulate. That is the difference between Schmidt and other, more talented conservatives: Regurgitator vs. Articulator.

But more on that later. Let's talk about the nuts and bolts of what went down over the past 72 hours or so.

Sunday, phone banks were up and running in every county. Ohio GOP pukes were everywhere, and almost all of them were on a witchhunt looking for someone to blame. Why? Because the Schmidt campaign was coming apart at the seams, and the last thing anyone wanted to admit was that Jean Schmidt was the problem. Again, don't get me wrong. She works hard - she outworked every other candidate in the primary and managed to knit together enough votes to pull it off. But there is a pretty large constituency out there in OH-02 that believes Schmidt would not have won this race if the field were smaller. I'll leave it at that, for now.

So it was quite interesting when the entire Schmidt campaign team, volunteers and all, were invited to Joe Braun's house for some deliciously thick, (though badly overcooked) burgers. The potato salad was pretty tasty though. I think I ate all the deviled eggs on top of the salad. Mmmmm. Sorry if you didn't get any.

Mean Jean was there in Joe's living room, along with her evil twin sister (does she own any clothing other than white shirts and pants?) and we all participated in a seance that culminated in the required viewing of Mean Jean's appearance on Hardball, set to run in a continual loop on Joe's VCR. Did Mean Jean speak to the group to thank us for all our hard work on her behalf (or at least for being blindly obedient to the GOP)? Nah. She just ran around the house like a sheep dog, herding people into the living room for the third or fourth viewing of that awful video, where the sound wasn't even in sync with her mouth. It was horrific. Mercifully, Jean left and took Jennifer "White Pants" Black with her.

Monday, we kicked off the "36 Hours to Victory Tour." All I can tell you about this tour is that if it weren't for the ORP, the Wednesday headline in the Enquirer would read: "Jean Schmidt found dead in suite at Holiday Inn - Suicide Suspected"

In the morning, several news stations covered the campaign efforts, but Channel 12 got snubbed the Fritz told them they could go pound sand for their less-than-flattering coverage of the candidate and her relationship with the disgraced Republicans in Columbus. Later that afternoon, in another display of her ineptness, she pissed off the rest of the local media by forcing them to chase her as she left one event early (before the media folks could get set up) and raced eastward in a desperate quest for votes. Here's an exclusive photo I took from the motorcade during the "36 Hours to Victory Tour":

On Tuesday, I stayed away as much as I could. There really wasn't that much to do, so I handled some routine tasks and checked up on poll workers and voter call lists in my assigned area. There were a lot of phone calls and discussion between the Schmidt Loyalists about "what to do about Tom Brinkman." This wasn't a new issue on Tuesday, there just wasn't anything else to do except talk about that. The general consensus seemed to be that Jean needed to win by a large margin in order to avoid being challenged in the May primary by someone perceived as more conservative - i.e. more energizing to the Republican base. There is no love lost between Brinkman and Schmidt, that's for sure. But the Schmidt camp seems to be of the opinion that Brinkman has plans to challenge her in May. Any halfway intelligent observer knows that, while Schmidt may be vulnerable in a May primary, such a challenge probably won't come from Tom Brinkman, since he would have to give up his seat to do it. Regardless of what happens, I think competition is a good thing for the party. If Jean isn't the best candidate, there's no reason she automatically should get the keys to Congress just handed to her for the next 10 years. Competition is a healthy thing.

At any rate, when the polls closed, we headed to the Holiday Inn to watch the returns. Jean and her evil twin didn't arrive to the hotel until 8:35pm, where they hustled off to the private suite we had reserved for her.

As the returns started coming in, things went sour. It was immediately obvious from the absentee ballots that this thing was going to be close. Around 9:30, the Hamilton County folks realized the problem, and Chip started working his phone right there in plain sight, making sure the dirty tricks squad had done all they could. The real good stuff happened about 15 minutes later, when the Schmidt Loyalists in Clermont made up a bogus story about "humidity" which enabled them to hand count a number of the ballots. Was that a number 2 pencil and eraser taped to the palm of the ballot workers there in Batavia? Look, these two ballots for Hackett are stuck together... we should throw them out because it's an "overvote." What's this? A write in vote for David R. Smith? Nah. Just change it to "Schmidt."

And on and on. So now she's the Honorable Representative Jean Schmidt. Well, good for her. I need to take a bath and wash the filth off of me.
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Special Thanks to our Undercover Operative known affectionately at The Mockingbird as "Deep Wrinkle."

Welcome to The Mockingbird!

2005-08-01T17:37:00.001-07:00

By now, most of the more intelligent people have managed to figure out that the forces at work behind Dewine's Daily Dose and Sins of the Father are not really associated with Patrick or Mike DeWine - as far as they know.

But in the past few weeks, it has become all too obvious that there are more politicians than we could possibly create blogs for. So we decided to roll everything up into a single, comprehensive source for all your political parodies - right here in one place - The Mockingbird.

We have also set up a super-secret, mostly untraceable email account so that you can email all your political dirt to us, and we will pass it along for public consumption. Our new email address is:

themockingbird@usa.com

I know many folks out there would love to know just who's behind these shenanigans, but like the title of this blog, it would be a sin to kill a mockingbird. Like Boo Radley in Harper Lee's novel, I do not seek attention, I just want to quietly slip my literary knife into "Mr. Ewell's" abdomen, then hide behind the door to observe the effects of my actions. But if the mask comes off, people tend to be a bit more careful around you if they know they might very well end up on a web site wearing a photoshopped swastika armband while saluting potential Congressbroad Jean "The Kraut" Schmidt.

Congressbroad. That's funny. Feel free to use it liberally whenever you are talking behind her back. I know I will at the Holiday Inn Eastgate Tuesday night. Yes, I will be there. But don't look for me, because I won't be wearing my Mockingbird ID badge. After all, Mr. Discipline, Joe Braun will be there and I don't particularly care for hot candle wax dripped on my exposed flesh. Something I'm sure he'd do if he learned I was... THE MOCKINGBIRD